I got baptized last week. I shared a brief testimony. Here it is.
Hi my name is Patrick. From early childhood, to highschool God has been asking me a single question. He has been asking me, “Patrick, Am I enough? Am I enough for you? Or do you need something besides me?” Of course, my answer was an emphatic “No God you are not enough. God you are not what I need. What I need are relationships, friendships, approval, personal achievement, recognition. That is what I need. That is what I put my hope, security, and trust in. But you see, my whole life I held on to these things, squeezing them as hard as possible, so hard in fact that in the end they each ended up slipping through my finger.
Finally in 8th grade I went to church. I was forced to go but I eventually enjoyed it. Why not? We played basketball and their were a lot of girls. But the first thing I realized in the years to come, was that I’m dirty. I have sinned. I was standing before the great judge, guilty as charged. However, God the judge was offering me freedom at absolutely no cost. But it was at this point that I made a fundamental but perhaps natural error. I could not believe that the great and holy judge was saying to me, “you’re free to go Patrick.” I could not comprehend that he would let me go, without condemnation, judgment, or punishment. It went against every inclination of my soul to accept such grace without payment on my part. So I ran away from the judge, promising to come back later when I could pay back what I owed, in which I would then accept a sentence of innocence, for by doing so, I can say I earned it.
So I left, and did all I could to live a moral and righteous life. For if I could only live a good enough life, then I could truly have earned the approval and acceptance of God. I tried my best to be perfect, without sin. Of course, that left me worse then before. I now struggled more then ever with pride, self-righteousness, arrogance, and hypocrisy. I was a pharisee. For now, instead of admitting my sin, I hid it with my self-righteous hypocrisy. I was lost in my goodness.
I finally began to look in the bible, for that’s what good people do right? Through his Word, specifically the sermon on the mount, God revealed something to me. I was still a sinner. I still fell short in every possible way. In my attempt to find my identity and salvation in my own personal morality, I had rebelled and made an idol of my own goodness. Not only that, I wasn’t that moral anyways! I struggled with sin and because I thought myself above sin, that led to self-deprecation. Beating myself up constantly. I punished myself. I ended up hating the person I had become.
Finally, I got down on my knees, came back before God the great judge, and realized, I have nothing to give. I proclaimed, “God you are enough.” “you are enough..” I’m done relying on myself or this world. I trust and believe in your gospel to save me. It was at that moment that God became not a judge to me. In the name of Jesus Christ, I could now call out to God and call him Father.
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